wondering

how long l can stand ?
before I lose my sanity.....

JUST DO NOT KNOW.......

你愛我嗎? (do you LOVE me ?)

侍者端來新春花茶,
在杯裡翻攪的茶葉,是被輾過的春.
被保存了一季的新寵,新鮮氣味；
而我,是過季的舊嚐.

『什麼都可以扔的......』

我只看見透過鏡子自己眼裡悄然形成的烏雲.

你愛我嗎？

為什麼 ? 到最後,只剩下我的一廂情願????????

怔忡想著你酣睡時微微搧動的睫毛,
我選擇繼續在你眼底掙扎,不踰矩的.

仍將夜晚的攸亮當成陽光,選擇對著剝落的天晴說：好天氣；
在你翻轉將我擁入懷的時候.
一陣寒拂穿我的背脊,遲春偏涼的風.......

keranamu kasih

Kekasih jangan berduka
Yakin kita kan bersama
Hati ini satu walau jauh di mata
Ikatan cinta Luhurnya dijiwa
Hati pujuklah perasaan
Jauhi segala keraguan
Sayang untukmu kukorbankan
Demi satu harapan
kepangkuan mu kaasih Keranamu kekasih

Hadirmu bagai cahaya
Damai resah dan gelora
Hati kita satu walau lara melanda
Asmara cinta Tiada hujungnya

Hati pujuklah perasaan
Jauhi segala kesangsian
Cinta walau pun berjauhan
Kan ku kenang senyuman
Kerinduan ku masih Kepada mu kekasih

Dan keyakinan ku masih Kepadamu kekasih ..........

THE end

Tried to do so many things these day...
but got so reminded of you.

Watching "Friends", got reminded of you.
Wanting to gym, got reminded of you.
Decorating the house for Chinese New Year, got reminded of you.
Trying to fix my Radio, got reminded of you.
Going makan at Pantai Dalam, got reminded of you...

I need an escape.
Out of here.
But how? Where?
Everything is reminding me, that I am the one you dont want;
that your heart is somewhere else;
that I am me, your nothing.


你
這一走
遼闊的天地裡
就只剩我殘餘的

迴
光
返
照

這是最後一次和你告別請不要生氣我沒有笑容...

No...I'm not commiting suicide. I just feel like I've died inside. Whatever that is living are duties that haven't been carried out. I am living an obligation and dutifully serving life. I am grieving still inside and out. I can't breathe.

會有那麼一天
你在晨曦薄霧中醒來再尋不著我
或者生離，或者死別
總是要走的 卻 註定伴你風月一場


你翻了個身,你皺了眉繼續睡,
看不出喜怒哀樂.
你熟睡的樣子,趴成一個世界,
一個沒你允許誰也進不去的世界.
你輕輕的打呼聲又悄然彈起 睫毛捲成一片波浪,
我定定底記住,化成了白骨也不會忘記..

皓月長空 萬籟皆寂
與你死別,愿我因而重生.
心知肚明,所以離開的,都不會再回來.

I'm in nowhere and I really don't know where i'm headed to. Just drifting...

Dear Some one...

Until January, I was still thinking of this,
I worried, but I think I still love you so that i couldn't do anything...,
although our love has gone, but I'm thinking of you a lot,
and I just kept it in my brain only....

Untill now, I still confuse, who are the one to ended this relationship, suddenly....
But the fact is, I has lost two important persons on that day, though it has been far away...

Yes, I lost YOU and MYSELF....

-----------------------------------------

Do you know i can't sleep well everynight?
Do you know i can't eat well everyday?
Do you know i can't have good life without you?
Do you know i can't have good mood without you?
Do you know i've forgot how to smile when i am alone?
Do you know i've learnt how to cry?
Do you know i miss you??
Do you know......

Some one told me, endings can be beginnings, beginning is the light of hope.
The towes of solituddes is with me.
I wish some day I can ask
and have your voice again who once, answered...

Without you in my life, my life sucks....

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes,
A little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
Cos I believe that we can work things out
I thought I had all the answers never giving in

But since you've gone
I admit that I was wrong
All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How my going to be strong without you
I need you by myside

If we ever say we'll never be together
and we ended with goodbye
don't know what I'd do ...

I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the fact I'm lost without you
How my ever gonna get rid of these blues

I have to run out from this, I have to stop this.

I'm always a failure in this love world,
i quit it's because i'm no enough loving you?
and there's nothing i can do,
i don't want to force you to change just like i couldn't.

anyway, love is a dream for everybody to look forward, but i would prefer to escape.....

Dear OSMAN.........

Just to tell u that when everyone is rushing ahead in life...
Thanks for pausing & giving a thought for me,
Your presence has such a positive influence on me.

I always believe that, sometimes,we are fortunate enough to meet truly wondeful people.
I am really thankful to life for having granted me the opportunity to meet u all...
This is what from bottom of my heart and would like to let you know...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone here...
but except you, who else ?????

he he...

sorry AND sorry...

昨天放工之後到The Curve的 FF去,休息喝水的時候有個人走過來搭訕.問我附近有沒有LRT Station.那個人說他不熟Damansara,所以沒事找事情做的我就說如果時間允許的話可以載他到LRT Station,不過我要先到IKEA走走.結果那個人說他可以等.後來他跟我到IKEA.

在IKEA,我遇見了Osman和Ivan. (Osman, if you see this, i want to apologize didn't join ur Pot Luck gathering although i no need to go KLIA.. :( and i want to apologia that I go IKEA actually to find a gift for you, but it was a such a terrible day for me in yesterday !)

話說回那個人,開始的時候是他跟我走IKEA,後來變成我要陪他走IKANO.我一邊走一邊後悔為什麼我要那麼好心答應載他..這件事情教會我以後不要在gym裡面回答陌生人的問題,要不然就會自找麻煩.總之最後我載那個人到Taman Jaya的LRT Station,然後到Amcorp Mall吃Kenny's Roger.

晚餐過後走進了大眾書局,在擺賣名信片的旋轉架上選著明信片.旁邊顯眼的賀卡,提醒著下個星期,就是聖誕節了. 走出Amcorp Mall,白天的道路換上晚裝,同樣的路,白天和黑夜一樣的繁華.街燈的照燿,以一種寫意的姿態沿上思念的背景.雨剛下過,來來往往的行人吹著冷風稍微的畏縮.涼涼的!

因為這樣讓我想起在它國的那一個孤單影子被拉得好長的初春夜晚.我領著依然溫熱的炒飯離開餐館走向車站,回不屬於我的家.而這一次我拿著剛買的名信片,有了一樣的心情.若能,只想站在街頭,哪兒都不去... 至於明信片,今早寫上了祝福的句子,可是該寄給誰好呢?給J嗎?假想他們路過他家的街頭巷尾,雲淡風清..至於一起歡慶佳節,未來的日子,我想已經沒有可能,那麼以前的那一次,將會是我(們)今生,唯一的一次.

天氣涼了,雨水也多了,你好嗎?我還好. 沒有你的日子,聳聳肩,總算還過得去.... 祝他快樂,

我想念他,雖然這一句話只能講在這裡....

給S(你還記得海蚯蚓嗎?)

http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/chonghien1/3/1032584/20020611110715/

那時候,我們喜歡結伴到海邊釣魚,於是我們學會了捉海蚯蚓. 在海邊的泥沼地帶,我們赤著上身,穿著短褲,在海蚯蚓的洞穴口外,撒下了用來喂雞的玉米飼料,你拍了拍我的背,裝出一個老師的樣子和我說:"捉蚯蚓要眼明手快,膽大心細.....".你帶上沾了飼料的布手套,把姆指和食指靜靜的守在洞口外,當蚯蚓探出頭來,貪婪的吸食著手套上的飼料時,你快速的雙指一夾,夾緊了蚯蚓的頭,一場人與蚯蚓的拉拔戰就這樣的開始了.. 你的嘴巴沒有因此閒著,你繼續說:"拉蚯蚓要用內力,力道要似有還無的推運...."於是我看著你專注而緩慢的將一條軟軟的海蚯蚓,愈拉愈長...你還是沒有忘記繼續給于教導:"不能心急,要和蚯蚓鬥耐力,因為心一急,力道用了過度,蚯蚓就會被扯斷…" 那數十個白雲朵朵的午後,可憐的蚯蚓不知道被我拉斷了多少隻,老是讓旁邊的你不停的直呼可惜啊...可惜.....捉完蚯蚓之後,惹了一身污泥的我們,就找了一個乾淨的沙灘,沖一個屬於大自然的海水涼.哪怕海風把我吹得冷得微微發抖,我依然因為有你真心的陪伴而感到溫暖. 在那個學期,英文課的presentation,你選了這個題材來演講."How to catch Umpan-Umpan", (Umpan-Umpan就是海蚯蚓的馬來文名字.)那一課,讓全班人笑得差一點就回不過氣來.你站在講台上,貼上了我們花了幾個晚上畫出來的”捉蚯蚓圖”,然後把鞋帶當成海蚯蚓.一邊裝模作樣的將鞋帶愈拉愈長,一邊重覆著每一句你曾經在海邊和我說過的話:"捉蚯蚓要眼明手快,膽大心細......." 我安靜的坐在坐位上,循著你聲音的方向,回到了那一段一段,兩腳踩在髒兮兮的污泥上的回憶. 其實,在我們回家的路上,是可以看見有人在賣海蚯蚓的,一小瓶滿滿的只需要很便宜的兩塊錢.但是我謝謝你,一直不厭其煩的常常帶我去捉蚯蚓,並且給了我這麼一段珍貴的,捉蚯蚓回憶.. 是的,因而我不再覺得蚯蚓惡心,骯髒. 那一年,沒有枉費我獨自一人心驚膽怯的騎單車去到了那遙遠的西南方學府.在意料之中,我遇見了海,在意料之外的,還遇見了一個好朋友.於是在那一段相知相惜的日子裡,我保留了與你全部的記憶.

T H A N K S Y O U

What is the impetus for life after all ?

I wonder who can resist from manifesting symptoms of depression when enduring such a relentlessly torment and inhumane life.

But....

Here you are with me...

THANKS YOU

It's so, yeah, fuckin' empty......

How can I LEARN something I don't think to be true?
or at least of use? Suffering of some kind, really...

and you know the key is not on my hand....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

1-12-2004

Happy Birthday to you,
do have a happy lifes ahead.......

祝福你生日快樂,你傳來信息說謝謝,我看著那則信息也只是笑笑而已.不知道怎麼哭才可以適當,所以就乾脆站在鏡前反覆練習笑容.原來不喜歡一個人了,什麼都可以拿來當藉口.

當時是你不夠勇敢和我繼續維持這段感情,我也從不勉強你繼續的虛情假意.剩下的力氣全都拿來拒絕和你繼續當朋友,這樣我才能發現自己有多喜歡你的心會難過多久.

而真正沒有說出口的是,如果再在一起,你要我怎麼面對,你有可能再拋下我一個人的事情.你這雙手,我覺得自己不值得牽,那任何話語都是種安慰,並且成了最好的藉口,而我們就是擱淺再也無法前進了而已.

愛情就這樣夭折在愛到一半的路上,曾經牽過的手的溫暖,我都會學著忘記,然後提醒自己別再把心交給誰.

d a r k n e s s

When Your eyes CLOSED...
The W.O.R.L.D that You see...

is my life...

(你亦步亦趨／我只好／沿著虛線相愛／每一擦步都有／後續的鋪陳／當你回頭那便是／完整的人生 )

it's enough now

I remember before, when I realized that I've lost my passion and started searching for things to ignite my passion towards life again. Well, at least I has made the effort to search. Now...I have searched and searched and gained a lot of experience in life. But there is no passion because I have none. I don't plan on looking for it anymore. It probably exists but I'll be ok too...even if I don't ever find it. What was once so important is no longer important anymore.

This is not about committing suicide. This is about letting go. This is about not resisting who I am. This is not about how nothing seems rite. It is about how it's enough now...

(嗨!小弟,自從那天晚上你說要來我家而我剛好和朋友吃飯所以錯過見面的機會,然後你說你會很忙只怕要等到明年才有機會到我家了.那一天晚上,讀著你的訊息,,一種難過的心情在心中煎熬著,想假裝成雲淡風輕卻又不知道為什麼很在意很在意的在黑暗中無法入眠.今天,有句話大哥要告訴你,一直到那天晚上,大哥從來都不知道,我會那樣的捨不得你.)

when I am apprehensive

I write, as if you are right in front of me...
I read, as if you are discussing with me....